I'm gonna have a badass scar
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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