Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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