Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
