Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
