I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize