I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm so fucking centered right now
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Dick very happy bro
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
