Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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