If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
