In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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