OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize