you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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