he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
