i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
