So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
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