I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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