If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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