This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
