i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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