so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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