I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
