I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
