Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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