I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
