If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
