my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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