Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
