i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
