Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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