i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
