He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
