My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
There's always time for handjobs
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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