There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
