This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
