The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
