I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
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