just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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