All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
