the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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