So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
