Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize