the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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