i already hear my dad disowning me
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
