I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize