im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Why can't burritos get me drunk
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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