Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
