i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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