I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My balls are so social today.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize