Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
