and you said cock pushups were impossible
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
