Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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