The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
