hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize