Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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