For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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