Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
