I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
So much rum. So many feels.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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