Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
