I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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