Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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